Colin Blake - Narratives 1

Receipt 1, Narrative 1

Markus Goldman was having a party. The party was to celebrate his recent grand prize win in the local horticultural club’s garden of the year. With a very precise mixture of hazelnut spread, crab salad and Flower Lover plant food, Markus had created a magic formula that literally made his plants sing. You could hear them if you listened closely. They sounded like a cross between a barbershop quartet and Gregorian chanting. Not to mention that on top of this, the plants looked spectacular. Yes, these plants were groundbreaking in the world of floral aesthetics and had won Markus a gold ribbon and a fifty-dollar gift certificate at the local Pottery World. Not the most glamourous of prizes, but cause for celebration, none the less. Markus had procured essential orderves for the occasion: gingerbread, party marshmallows (it was in the title so they had to be right), cocktail sausages and cashew nuts to add a little bourgeois flavour. The only problem with this party was that Markus was a social recluse and had no friends. He had been far too obsessed with his world of plants for such frivolities as “friends” and “conversations”. With this dawning realization, Markus put some marshmallows and sausages between some gingerbread, sat back and listened to his plants. Because, damn, those plants could sing.

Receipt 1, Narrative 2

Donna Mudd liked to kick ass. She was kick ass at shot-gunning beers, duck hunting (Nintendo style) and super kick ass at literally kicking ass. As some of the more apt readers will infer, Ms. Mudd was a redneck and a moron. Subsisting on an illogically strict diet of cocktail sausages, sugar cubes, fruitcake, egg waffles and chocolate bars, Donna had somehow managed to become morbidly obese and still remain completely malnourished. But that’s not to suggest that she wasn’t strong. Since the age of 3, Donna had been wrestling hogs behind her trailer. Her parents, who were also brother and sister, so also technically her aunt and uncle, owned three hogs – Jim, Bobby and Bobby. Donna had mastered putting all three in a scissored armbar, especially Bobby. But now Donna faced her greatest challenge. She had made it all the way to the Hog Wrestling Championships, sponsored by the American government, and it had all come down to a final hog. The only thing standing between Donna and her hog-wrestling belt was a 350 lb. beast named Hog (The name-givers of this event were about as creative as lobotomized sheep and actually were lobotomized sheep, so the fact that they were even able to give the correct animal name can and should be considered a miracle, but that’s another story). The bottom line was that Donna hadn’t eaten all those waffles for nothing. The match between her and Hog began and with one mighty and flabby blow, she put Hog into her signature scissored armbar and from there into a back suplex and finished with a tumbuckle bomb. There was an explosion of hoots, howls and Budweiser from the crowd. Donna was overwhelmed with pride as she realized that she had single-handedly created one of the greatest moments in human history. And this narrator, for one, thinks we can all…agree…with that.