Colin Blake - Narratives 2

Receipt 2 – Narrative 1

Benny Johnson had a sweet tooth. Not a sweet tooth in the mild, whimsical way you or I refer to ourselves as having a ‘sweet tooth’ for peanut butter or jellybeans. Nay. Benny had a full-fledged, obsessive, domineering, real-life sweet tooth. It could talk. All day Benny would try to concentrate on his daily hopscotch routine, feeding the ducks or playing with firecrackers, but the sweet tooth would nag him for sweets. No matter how much Benny tried to tell it to be quiet, by about 3 o’clock, he’d be smack in the middle of the candy aisle. In a desperate rampage, he’d gather milk chocolate, dark chocolate, gummy bears, gummy worms, fruit candy, caramels, chocolate caramels, Kit-Kats, cakes, Smarties and a multitude of fruit juice to wash it all down. Sweating, he took it behind the store and indulged in a decadent feast of succulent glucose. The sweet tooth purred. Benny felt ashamed. He had been told in church that boys who eat too much candy end up becoming perverts and liars. But still, he couldn’t resist his sweet tooth. It was time to do something about it! Benny looked around for the biggest, greasiest, rough & tumble guy with a fragile ego he could find. He saw what he suspected to be one, walked up to him and said,
“You look like a guy with a small penis.”
“What?!” replied the butch gentleman, starring daggers at Benny. Benny then realized that the ‘gentleman’ was not a gentleman at all but a very masculine woman. Before Benny could figure out if his insult was still insulting, the woman cocked her fist. Benny turned his head and showed the side of his teeth where the sweet tooth was.
KAPAM! (As they would say in the Adam West Batman) The he-she knocked the sweet tooth clean out of Benny’s mouth. With a big bloody smile, Benny looked up and said,
“Thanks, Mom.”

Receipt 2 – Narrative 2

Old Mrs. Ingleman was lonely. She had a cat but it was old and had lost most of its hair. If you’ve never pet a hairless cat, don’t start now. Naturally, crosswords and episodes of Price is Right were no longer enough to fill the days. Mrs. Ingleman decided that to remedy this boredom, she’d try to befriend some of the neighbourhood children. She’d be that lovely cliché of an old woman who always has treats, shows them how to tie their shoes and passes on sage elderly wisdoms. She went to the store and bought a long list of sweets and juices for the children. She arrived home, it was a sunny afternoon and the children were outside playing. She called out to them,
“Children! If you’re hungry, I have sweets in my kitchen for you!”
As she said this, officer Donald Chambers, father to one of the children playing, over-heard this invitation. He sprinted towards Mrs. Ingleman at break-neck speed and tackled her to the ground.
“It’s pedophiles like you that make it impossible for decent people to live in a decent community!” Mrs. Ingleman regained consciousness to the sound of handcuffs tightening around her wrists.
The moral of the story is: justice is always served.